


Pigeon

by your_starless_eyes



Series: Lemon Boy [12]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gentle Kissing, Heavy Angst, Help, I Made Myself Cry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jealousy, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Oh My God, Regret, Sad Phil Lester, Self-Destruction, Stream of Consciousness, The Author Regrets Everything, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Violent Thoughts, little bit of a fluffy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-01 22:41:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13304853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/your_starless_eyes/pseuds/your_starless_eyes
Summary: Why the hell is Dan so special? Why does everyone love him so much? What did he do?More importantly...Why is Phil nothing in the eyes of so many people?***"Circling around the kitchen / Why has nothing changed? / Feed cucumber sandwich to a pigeon / Chipping nail varnish on guitar strings / Got a pillow case made out of money / Feeling pretty fake when I wake up..."





	Pigeon

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by
> 
> Pigeon  
> Cavetown  
> Lemon Boy  
> 2018
> 
> "About dissociation."  
> -Robin Skinner (Cavetown), via Bandcamp
> 
> ***
> 
> I've been meaning to write this song into a fic for awhile. Today, while I'm on the verge of tearing my hair out and screaming, seemed like a good time.  
> I'm nothing in the eyes of so many people. The simple reply is, of course, that their opinions don't matter, but it's human nature to wish to be loved.  
> Maybe I'm just crazy, though.
> 
> Please note that this fic is significantly more painful than any of the other Lemon Boy stories. Where the others have been cute and fluffy (and maybe a tad angsty), this one is angst with a tiny touch of fluff. Don't say I didn't warn you - I'll call bullshit on you right here and now.
> 
> Trigger warnings for...  
> -Swearing  
> -Implied/Referenced self harm  
> -Invasive thoughts  
> -Self-destructive thoughts  
> -Everything tagged  
> -Much sadness

> _Circling around the kitchen / Why has nothing changed? / Feed cucumber sandwich to a pigeon / Chipping nail varnish on guitar strings / Got a pillow case made out of money / Feeling pretty fake when I wake up / Tissue paper castle paper caddy / Scaly little friend’s got my backup  // Didn’t give me time to say goodbye in the way that I wanted to / So honey close your eyes and stay like you’re supposed to do / Don’t you wanna give me time to write another song for you? // Fuzzy feeling and I miss you / Why can nothing stay the same / Fucking stupid head I’m gonna kill you / Melt all your art and drink the paint / I am not a beast I’m not a monster / I don't care what you say / You can’t have the bad guys without a hero / And I’m the only one who’s got a cape // Didn’t give me time to say goodbye in the way that I wanted to / So honey close your eyes and stay like you’re supposed to do / Don’t know how I’m gonna live without / But I’ll stay strong for you_

_ ~Pigeon, Cavetown (Lemon Boy, 2018) _

_ •-•-•-•-•-• _

Phil lets out a shriek of frustration, pulling at his hair.

_ No, no no no no. No. _

He's kept it together long enough. It's time to abandon it all. Fuck it. Why bother with shit no one's going to appreciate, anyway?

_ No one gives a damn about you, Phil. You're nothing. You thought you were hot shit- and maybe once you were- but you're worthless now. You took Dan under your wing and now he outshines you by millions. Face it- no one cares about you. _

His mind has landed on one of his few insecurities. The one thing that could drive him insane. The one place where nothing he can say can change anything.

The simple fact of the matter is that more people like Dan. It's evident from the... well, everything, really. People have loved Dan since the beginning, and while some of them do appreciate Phil in some respects, he really isn't worth much to many people.

He runs his tongue over the inside of his cheek, pacing around the lounge. Phil would never act like this with Dan around- how petty jealousy must look!- but as it is, he's not here. Phil's not entirely sure where he is, actually. Not that he cares, of course.

Believe it or not, Phil is a functional adult who's capable of being on his own.

_ No, you're not. You lying littl e shit. _

Phil can't help it anymore. He screams, sweeping the books off the table. He collapses onto the floor, staring at the carpet as he tries to breathe.

_Why can't you shut up why can't you leave me alone please I never asked for this just go away go away go away please I am begging you to just get the hell out of my head._

_I want to stop thinking, I want to stop existing, just for a moment. That's all I want all I want all I want. I want to stop feeling, stop thinking, stop living, stop existing, stop... everything, really. Just for a second, just for a moment._

Phil's negative side isn't very loud, isn't very big. Hell, he hardly even remembers it exists most of the time! Occasionally, though, it makes him remember. It gets a step ladder and a megaphone and makes itself known.

And this little villain doesn't go away with a flick of his wrist like it would in the movies.

Of course it doesn't. Negativity is a part of life that has poisoned Phil from a young age. It's a part that he oftentimes tries to convince himself is not of him. It's been the source of his biggest regrets, of his worst decisions.

_You're fucking stupid, Phil. Pathetic and weak and just... everything you hate.  You're everything you ever hated. Are you happy now?_

Phil lets out a choked sob, raking a hand through his hair as he sits up. It's not fair it's not fair it's not fair.

_Leave me alone. I'm begging you to get out of my head, if only for a millisecond._

His eyes land on a knife, half obscured by the couch. One of them must have dropped it during a meal sometime, because it's clean- or as clean as something can be in the floor.

_Take it. It will only take a moment and you can silence your thoughts for a bit. Focus on something a little bit different. You've done it before, you know it helps._

Phil shakes his head in a physical attempt to free himself from the invasive thought. He hasn't cut himself in years, he can't start again now. He swore to everyone he knew he wouldn't ever pick up an object with the intent of harming himself again. He can't break that, even if it would help...

_Get out of my head. You're not welcome here, little voice. Get the hell out of my head right now._

Phil turns away, his breathing tight. What started as a moment of jealousy over the love people have for his boyfriend has evolved into something more sinister, more harmful.

And he doesn't know how to shut it down.

Time slows to a honey drizzle. It might be hours, it might be minutes, but eventually the door opens. Phil doesn't look up, but he feels Dan's arms wrap around him, feels Dan pulls him close, hears Dan's soft voice in his ear. Phil cries harder at that- how could he be jealous of Dan, wish any harm against him, when he's nothing but kind?

This right here is why people love Dan- because he is kind and loving and understanding and everything anyone could ever want...

...and Phil has him.

The pieces suddenly click in Phil's head.

People despise him because he has the most wonderful person in existence as his friend, his lover, his colleague, his partner in metaphorical crime. That is why Phil is seen as less than- people are jealous of him.

"It's getting late," Dan whispers. "Let's go to bed. You'll feel better in the morning, promise."

"Yeah, o-okay," Phil chokes out, letting Dan help him to his feet. He sees Dan's expression of concern- the  younger boy wants to ask what's wrong, but he's afraid to.

 _No,_ Phil realises.  _He's giving you a choice. He's letting you decide if you want to talk about it, rather than forcing you into anything._

Phil is thankful for that, because he really doesn't want to admit that he had a complete fucking breakdown over something as ridiculously petty as jealousy.

They walk in silence to Dan's room, and Phil lies down, closing his eyes as Dan turns on the fairy lights.

"I love you," Dan whispers, climbing in beside Phil. Phil doesn't reply- he doesn't trust himself to speak without breaking down again. Instead, he kisses Dan slowly, letting his hands tangle through the younger boy's brown hair. Dan kisses back, resting his hand on Phil's waist. Phil pulls back after a long moment. "You'll be alright," Dan says quietly. "It sucks, I'm sure, but you can get past it."

"Sure hope so," Phil replies thickly.

Truthfully, though, he doesn't have any confidence in himself or his ability to cope.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all -  
> I'm okay, by the way. Just... tired and stressed and overwhelmed. Don't worry about me. I'll figure it out- I always do.  
> You've got enough to worry about within your own lives so don't spend a second on me.  
> This was just me getting my thoughts and feelings out in a healthier way than I was originally planning to do. I'll be just fine come morning.
> 
> Love always,  
> Phanwich ♥


End file.
